Monday, October 27, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
BORED
Really slow in here today. Do you still feel sick?Tell Randy not to eat all the turkey in the frig. Love you.
Monday, October 13, 2008
I Am Become As A Sounding Brass, Or A Tinkling Cymbal
I can hear you and Aaron fooling around down in the kitchen right now. God, I hope you guys don't break anything.
I'm sorry I'm not feeling so hot today, but it's a cold. It'll pass. I'm taking medicine for it, and every fever breaks sooner or later. I wish I could be up and around with you, though. Today was probably one of the last really nice days we'll see this side of winter. Wouldn't it have been great to go out to Duff's with him this afternoon? We could have ridden the horses out to the treehouse one more time. I really wish I could have done it.
I am going to get better so we can do those things together, and the other stuff we've talked about lately too. You know what I'm talking about. I want those things so bad...
Anyway, I just wanted to say I love you. Maybe you should take Aaron or Randy out to Duff's and have some fun while the weather's nice. I'll be here when you get home, and that's time enough for us, right?
Just don't be gone too long. I miss you when you're gone too long.
Title from 1 Corinthians 13:1. (King James Version, natch.)
I'm sorry I'm not feeling so hot today, but it's a cold. It'll pass. I'm taking medicine for it, and every fever breaks sooner or later. I wish I could be up and around with you, though. Today was probably one of the last really nice days we'll see this side of winter. Wouldn't it have been great to go out to Duff's with him this afternoon? We could have ridden the horses out to the treehouse one more time. I really wish I could have done it.
I am going to get better so we can do those things together, and the other stuff we've talked about lately too. You know what I'm talking about. I want those things so bad...
Anyway, I just wanted to say I love you. Maybe you should take Aaron or Randy out to Duff's and have some fun while the weather's nice. I'll be here when you get home, and that's time enough for us, right?
Just don't be gone too long. I miss you when you're gone too long.
Title from 1 Corinthians 13:1. (King James Version, natch.)
Friday, October 10, 2008
Call Me
Hey I finally got some signal so I wanted to let you know that we are doing fine. Phil got a deer and I got a turkey. Duff is mad. This is alot more fun than you made it sound. I tried too call you but no body ansered. Are you okay if so txt or post or smthng.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
No Map, There, Nor Guide
Okay. I listened very carefully to you last night, and I've thought long and hard about what you said. You know me: I analyze these things to death. In thinking all of this mess over, however, I have sort of come to a possible resolution, so here goes.
You said that the thing that made you angriest was that I didn't tell him that I have cancer. At the time, I couldn't figure that one out; I mean, next to you, the cancer is the one thing that's shaped my life over the last year, and the fact that I didn't share something so fundamental with him seemed to me to indicate that seeing him and talking to him was about the past and not the present or the future. Now that I've thought it over, though, I'm guessing that you figured it this way: if he heard that I have cancer, he probably wouldn't pursue any further contact with me. Is that right? Do I have the thought behind the statement correct? Not that it matters, but you know how obsessed I am with making my mental projections fit the real world.
Anyway, I realized in hindsight that it was probably stupid of me not to tell you why I didn't give him that little fact to add to his calculations. The reason I didn't tell him has to do with something that he told me. I wasn't going to let you in on this part, mostly because I don't think it's anything to do with either of us, but that was wrong of me. I won't keep his secrets at our expense.
See, I didn't tell him that I had cancer because he already assumed that I was sick. No, not with cancer; see, Rod's been HIV+ since the mid-90's, and he thought I was (and am) too. It's almost funny in a macabre sort of way. I mean, I'm all skinny and have bags under my eyes that look drawn on with magic marker and I'm still a little jaundiced, and he took all that in and added it up and came to the wrong answer.
So why didn't I correct him? I don't know. Maybe it was because I didn't want to sound like I thought I was better than he was, that I didn't want to come off like my disease is better than his because he got his from fucking and I got mine... however you get this. Yes, probably from drinking and smoking and stressing, but that's beside the point. That was my initial reason... but then after I'd talked to him for a little bit, and I got to sort of adjust to the fact that I was actually seeing him again after I didn't think I ever would, I didn't tell him because I didn't think I'd see him again any time soon. Sure, I do want to know where he is and how he's doing. Just because you can't be with someone doesn't mean you don't care. Look at how I feel about Amber's mother! We had dinner with her last week, and you thought that was great. I knew, of course, that you weren't going to feel that way about Rod (at least not anytime soon), and the pass you've given me where David's concerned is more than enough. So I didn't tell him. I guess it would have been inviting him further into my current life if I had. It would have been like challenging him to care, or at least that's how I saw it.
So now let's just let this sink into the background, okay? I know you deleted his number from the phone, and I guess I'll just have to be okay with that. I swear to you on all that I hold sacred, on my grandmother's grave, on my hopes for recovery, ON THE LIVES OF MY CHILDREN that I didn't plan on dating him or sneaking around to see him or in any way compromising what we have to get him back into my life. Nothing that threatens what you feel for me could be worth it, don't you get that? So now, please please PLEASE let's just let it go. It can just fade away into something that happened that one time, and if I ever run into him in the future we'll just have to hope that I'm pushing a stroller with our kid in it by that point. I'm certainly not going to look for him. All I'm looking for is to return to the solid foundation you and I were standing on. It hasn't crumbled or cracked, it just got a little covered with some dust from the past.
Think about it, okay? And then call me.
Title from the second stanza of "Darest Thou Now, O Soul" by Walt Whitman.
You said that the thing that made you angriest was that I didn't tell him that I have cancer. At the time, I couldn't figure that one out; I mean, next to you, the cancer is the one thing that's shaped my life over the last year, and the fact that I didn't share something so fundamental with him seemed to me to indicate that seeing him and talking to him was about the past and not the present or the future. Now that I've thought it over, though, I'm guessing that you figured it this way: if he heard that I have cancer, he probably wouldn't pursue any further contact with me. Is that right? Do I have the thought behind the statement correct? Not that it matters, but you know how obsessed I am with making my mental projections fit the real world.
Anyway, I realized in hindsight that it was probably stupid of me not to tell you why I didn't give him that little fact to add to his calculations. The reason I didn't tell him has to do with something that he told me. I wasn't going to let you in on this part, mostly because I don't think it's anything to do with either of us, but that was wrong of me. I won't keep his secrets at our expense.
See, I didn't tell him that I had cancer because he already assumed that I was sick. No, not with cancer; see, Rod's been HIV+ since the mid-90's, and he thought I was (and am) too. It's almost funny in a macabre sort of way. I mean, I'm all skinny and have bags under my eyes that look drawn on with magic marker and I'm still a little jaundiced, and he took all that in and added it up and came to the wrong answer.
So why didn't I correct him? I don't know. Maybe it was because I didn't want to sound like I thought I was better than he was, that I didn't want to come off like my disease is better than his because he got his from fucking and I got mine... however you get this. Yes, probably from drinking and smoking and stressing, but that's beside the point. That was my initial reason... but then after I'd talked to him for a little bit, and I got to sort of adjust to the fact that I was actually seeing him again after I didn't think I ever would, I didn't tell him because I didn't think I'd see him again any time soon. Sure, I do want to know where he is and how he's doing. Just because you can't be with someone doesn't mean you don't care. Look at how I feel about Amber's mother! We had dinner with her last week, and you thought that was great. I knew, of course, that you weren't going to feel that way about Rod (at least not anytime soon), and the pass you've given me where David's concerned is more than enough. So I didn't tell him. I guess it would have been inviting him further into my current life if I had. It would have been like challenging him to care, or at least that's how I saw it.
So now let's just let this sink into the background, okay? I know you deleted his number from the phone, and I guess I'll just have to be okay with that. I swear to you on all that I hold sacred, on my grandmother's grave, on my hopes for recovery, ON THE LIVES OF MY CHILDREN that I didn't plan on dating him or sneaking around to see him or in any way compromising what we have to get him back into my life. Nothing that threatens what you feel for me could be worth it, don't you get that? So now, please please PLEASE let's just let it go. It can just fade away into something that happened that one time, and if I ever run into him in the future we'll just have to hope that I'm pushing a stroller with our kid in it by that point. I'm certainly not going to look for him. All I'm looking for is to return to the solid foundation you and I were standing on. It hasn't crumbled or cracked, it just got a little covered with some dust from the past.
Think about it, okay? And then call me.
Title from the second stanza of "Darest Thou Now, O Soul" by Walt Whitman.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
WHEN WE GET HOME
If that was who I think it was then you better have said goodbye to him today. I would not do that to you and I wont let you do that to me. We need to talk about this.
Monday, October 6, 2008
WHAT NOW?
Why did you put pictures of yourself in your blog after you said you wouldnt do that? You could have said that you were going to. You did not have to lie about it. I am not Dena and I will not tell you what you can do with your blog. I just dont like it when you put picutres up there because you write about so much stuff you shouldnt. You said nobody would see this blog we write to each other in too. I dont care if people see it because I will not write about sex and smoking and stuff but why tell me different? When I get home your going to explain.
I left a comment on your pictures too.
I left a comment on your pictures too.
Let Me Not To The Marriage Of True Minds Admit Impediments
You should really go read this. As soon as you can.
Title from Shakespeare's sonnet 116 - which is only half as good as the poem I linked to above.
Title from Shakespeare's sonnet 116 - which is only half as good as the poem I linked to above.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
READ THIS
I know you will read this some time soon. I just want you to think about the stuff you write about in your blog. We have talked about this before. You know I do not like it when you put things about us in it. Some things are private between us and it is just dumb to write about smoking for any body to read that wants to. I know what you said about making this for me and for your kids but do you really want them to know all that? Just think about it.
HB
HB
Saturday, October 4, 2008
You Gotta Step Back From Yourself
I know you're mad at me. You should be, I guess. I don't have a good reason for my behavior. It's just that when I see him screwing up so royally I can't stand it. I know, I know, you made a really good point when you compared my feelings about Jillian to your father's feelings about me. We love who we love, I get that. Your father thinks you're throwing your future away by being with me - and unlike you, I think he's probably right, at least in the short term. J and Jill are the same kind of deal. I just want so very much for him to be happy, and all I can see is that he's trading a long-term happy future for something that will only make him happy for the moment. I did that. I got married to a woman, not just once but twice, because I thought it would make me happy at the moment. I don't think that J is anyone but who he is... I just think that the choices he's making right now are going to come back to haunt him, and he won't hear that from me.
Please, please don't be mad at me for too long. Even though you're right, I just can't bear it. When you were so short with me on the phone, I just wanted to die. Literally. Especially because I know in my heard that you're right - it's just my heart that won't get on board.
Anyway, let's talk about this tonight. Robbie and Katherine are going out to Beck Road with everybody else, so we'll have the whole house to ourselves, and how often does that happen? Who knows, maybe you can finally make sense of it all for me, because right now I'm just so upset I can't even think straight.
Ha ha, me thinking 'straight,' right?
I love you. Forgive me.
Title from verse 1 of "Out Of Control" by Bob Pladek.
Please, please don't be mad at me for too long. Even though you're right, I just can't bear it. When you were so short with me on the phone, I just wanted to die. Literally. Especially because I know in my heard that you're right - it's just my heart that won't get on board.
Anyway, let's talk about this tonight. Robbie and Katherine are going out to Beck Road with everybody else, so we'll have the whole house to ourselves, and how often does that happen? Who knows, maybe you can finally make sense of it all for me, because right now I'm just so upset I can't even think straight.
Ha ha, me thinking 'straight,' right?
I love you. Forgive me.
Title from verse 1 of "Out Of Control" by Bob Pladek.
CALL ME RIGHT NOW!
What is going on? Jerry just called me in tears because he called you and you would barely talk to him. I CANNOT believe that you wrote all of that stuff about how you feel guilty this morning and then would not even talk to him less than two hours later. What is wrong with you Brian? Is it because of your medicine? The doctor said that you might have personalitey changes but I never guessed it would be like this. Is that what this is? Please talk to me because you are not like this and it is scaring me.
I love you so much please dont act this way. Call me because things are really slow and I want to talk to you about this.
Amir
I love you so much please dont act this way. Call me because things are really slow and I want to talk to you about this.
Amir
Friday, October 3, 2008
A Habit Hard To Break As Not
I just got back from Erie with Robbie and caught your post. The whole trip was a complete bust. Everybody down in the hood is still freaked over what happened last time, as if we had anything to do with it! Oh, well. Probably the less said about that part the better, right?
One funny thing did happen, though. Robbie and I were crossing the square downtown when somebody came running and yelling after us. It was that guy that I hooked up with off Manhunt about the same time you and I met, remember? The creepy one who offered us the house rent free if we'd have threesomes with him once a week? He asked me about you, and I showed him my ring. So, naturally he looks at Robbie and says, so who's this? And Robbie says, I'm their third wheel, meaning I have no idea what, and the guy does this double take and looks at me all wounded - remember how we went on and on about how we could never be unfaithful to each other? Naturally he assumed that meant that you and me and Robbie were a thruple, how hilarious. So I grabbed Robbie by the arm and dragged him away with barely a goodbye. Then I waited until we met up with Katherine to tell him why I thought the whole thing was so funny. She thought it was pretty funny too... But you know Robbie. He just said, so you guys WOULD have a threesome with me? Katherine didn't think that was so funny, but I sure did. Can you imagine?
Well, I gotta go get a load of your skivvies in the wash and red up our bedroom if I don't want you to yell at me when I get home. Don't worry, Aaron's here and he's already running around sweeping and dusting everything with a doo-rag on his head like Aunt-freakin'-Jemimah. We'll have everything shipshape for you when you get home.
I love you. Hurry.
Title from the second stanza of "Tragic Rabbit" by Stan Rice.
One funny thing did happen, though. Robbie and I were crossing the square downtown when somebody came running and yelling after us. It was that guy that I hooked up with off Manhunt about the same time you and I met, remember? The creepy one who offered us the house rent free if we'd have threesomes with him once a week? He asked me about you, and I showed him my ring. So, naturally he looks at Robbie and says, so who's this? And Robbie says, I'm their third wheel, meaning I have no idea what, and the guy does this double take and looks at me all wounded - remember how we went on and on about how we could never be unfaithful to each other? Naturally he assumed that meant that you and me and Robbie were a thruple, how hilarious. So I grabbed Robbie by the arm and dragged him away with barely a goodbye. Then I waited until we met up with Katherine to tell him why I thought the whole thing was so funny. She thought it was pretty funny too... But you know Robbie. He just said, so you guys WOULD have a threesome with me? Katherine didn't think that was so funny, but I sure did. Can you imagine?
Well, I gotta go get a load of your skivvies in the wash and red up our bedroom if I don't want you to yell at me when I get home. Don't worry, Aaron's here and he's already running around sweeping and dusting everything with a doo-rag on his head like Aunt-freakin'-Jemimah. We'll have everything shipshape for you when you get home.
I love you. Hurry.
Title from the second stanza of "Tragic Rabbit" by Stan Rice.
BORED AT WORK
It is so damn slow at work so I decided to write you a note. I hope you check this before I get home. I was so glad when you got up and watched tv with me last night. I am even starting to like that show even though it still seems weird to me. That pumpkin stuff you made was so good. I want to do something like that every night. Well somebody just came in so I have to go see what they want.
I am always thinking about you.
HB
I am always thinking about you.
HB
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Had We But World Enough, And Time
Honey, I love you. I can think of a lot of different ways to say it, but they all seem like gilding the lily. Every day, you're the one I get out of bed with, the one I think of when you're away, and the one person who has done more for me in the short time that we've been together than just about anybody else on this planet. Please don't think that you could ever mean less than that to me, okay?
I'll get over this. I'll get up on my feet, I'll face another day, and maybe I'll get better. I can't promise anymore because I don't know what the future holds. I only know that if I have any say in the matter I'll always be right here, with you. I want more than anything to have a future with you. I won't say too much about all the things I dream of for you and me, because so many of them are probably impossible that it just gets me all choked up for no reason. I want those things with you so badly, y'see, even if I can't have them.
You asked me not to give up on you. I can only ask the same thing in return, even though it's probably a lot bigger job for you. I know I'm difficult. I know I'm a giant pain in the ass. I know that I make you worry over things that I could just quit doing and save us both some trouble. I'm sorry about that, and I hope that you'll come to see in time why I'm like that and maybe be able to forgive me.
I sure hope so, anyway. Because, like I said, I love you.
Title from the first line of "To His Coy Mistress" by Andrew Marvell.
I'll get over this. I'll get up on my feet, I'll face another day, and maybe I'll get better. I can't promise anymore because I don't know what the future holds. I only know that if I have any say in the matter I'll always be right here, with you. I want more than anything to have a future with you. I won't say too much about all the things I dream of for you and me, because so many of them are probably impossible that it just gets me all choked up for no reason. I want those things with you so badly, y'see, even if I can't have them.
You asked me not to give up on you. I can only ask the same thing in return, even though it's probably a lot bigger job for you. I know I'm difficult. I know I'm a giant pain in the ass. I know that I make you worry over things that I could just quit doing and save us both some trouble. I'm sorry about that, and I hope that you'll come to see in time why I'm like that and maybe be able to forgive me.
I sure hope so, anyway. Because, like I said, I love you.
Title from the first line of "To His Coy Mistress" by Andrew Marvell.
FOR YOU
You wrote to me and now I am going to write to you. I know I can not write the way you do but maybe you could take it for what it means instead of how well I write it.
When I first met you I thought you were smart and funny and I liked you a lot but you scared me. Intimidating is the word I should probably use. You know so much about everything and you are always teaching people. I think that's why it is so easy for people to love you. Not just because your smart but because you care about people and treat them right.
Now I know you better than I have ever know any body else and I know that your even better than I thought at first. Your stronger than I ever knew a person could be. I love you so much. You gave me everything I wanted and I didn't think that was possible.
I am still scared though because I think you will give up now. You were doing so good I cannot believe that anything a doctor could say would make you stop trying to get better. Why wont you tell me what he said? You are sleeping right now and I know Robbie gave you pills. I am so afraid that you will just want to stay that way. I want you to get up and be happy again. I want you to laugh and cook big dinners and write in your blog again.
Please do it for me and Amber and J. We are the ones who should matter to you. Please because I love you.
HB
When I first met you I thought you were smart and funny and I liked you a lot but you scared me. Intimidating is the word I should probably use. You know so much about everything and you are always teaching people. I think that's why it is so easy for people to love you. Not just because your smart but because you care about people and treat them right.
Now I know you better than I have ever know any body else and I know that your even better than I thought at first. Your stronger than I ever knew a person could be. I love you so much. You gave me everything I wanted and I didn't think that was possible.
I am still scared though because I think you will give up now. You were doing so good I cannot believe that anything a doctor could say would make you stop trying to get better. Why wont you tell me what he said? You are sleeping right now and I know Robbie gave you pills. I am so afraid that you will just want to stay that way. I want you to get up and be happy again. I want you to laugh and cook big dinners and write in your blog again.
Please do it for me and Amber and J. We are the ones who should matter to you. Please because I love you.
HB